Blathering from Gigi

(after all she is French so grab a dictionary)

J'ai une histoire. La j'`tais, la lune a mon arriere, preparant pour laisser les rivages de la France pour l'inconnu. Je n'ai pas voulu partir, mais mon pere m'avait marie a un imbecile. Son nom etait Miguel Martinez. Je pense que le Z est de le moment ou il a habite au Mexique. Il n'importe pas. Il a eu un grand nez et a pue trop comme l'ail. Mon mari, cet Espagnol puant Miguel, sa maitresse idiote Adele et moi allaient au nouveau monde.

Peu a fait l'un ou l'autre que de nous les femmes savent cela quand nous avons atteint les Caraïbes, cet idiot Miguel mourrait d'une certaine maladie indigene. Adele, etant jeune et assez et sourd-muet, a rapidement trouve un autre homme pour la prendre en tant que sa maitresse. J'ai ete laisse avec rien. J'ai voyage avec un troupe des ventriloquists par les forets de cuisson a la vapeur pendant plusieurs mois. En conclusion, apres avoir epuise leurs ressources, j'ai trouve dans Tortuga. J'ai appris a parler anglais parfait. Vous noterez que je n'ai aucun accent a parler de ! La plupart des ne peuvent pas meme me dire suis francais ! C'est comme bon je suis. Mais ce n'est pas important non plus. Ce qui importe est que j'etais sans emploi dans Tortuga, et a du faire quelque chose que je pourrais faire l'argent. Et vous savez ce qui ? Je ne me suis pas vraiment occupe de ce que je faisais ! C'etait amusement !

J'etais la meilleure putain dans la ville. Vraiment j'etais ! Vous pensez que je me trouve vous petit homme stupide ? J'etais ! ! Ainsi vous pouvez imaginer comment jaloux les autres tartes obtenaient. J'ai du partir, elles allais me tuer ! La bonne chose pour moi l'anglais sont si susceptible de n'importe quoi avec un joli visage. J'ai rencontre M. Blackthorne, qui a promis de me porter a son bateau pour une seule boite de savon lavendar.

J'ai rencontre capitaine Syn, ce petit homme. Il a enleve le bateau, me mettant dans la cuisine avec Blaze, qui a un accent si terrible que je peux a peine comprendre son anglais. Mais je travaille avec elle de toute façon, quoiqu'elle ecrase mon visage. Nous faisons cuire et parlons et rions, et quand nous allons mettre en communication nous allons faire des emplettes ! Une fois, dans Felicita, nous avons pris Regina. Maintenant, elle et moi travaillent a mon travail prefere quand nous allons etayer. Elle est moyenne, et pas m'a vraiment laisse faire ce que je veux, mais nous faisons a beaucoup d'argent sa maniere.

Je vous dirai davantage au sujet de mes aventures sur la Domination et dans le nouveau monde a un temps posterieur. Je vous dirai egalement davantage au sujet de l'equipage que je vis avec maintenant, particulierement ce Neerlandais, quel petit homme stupide. Il pue comme des poissons.

Giselle Gillard de Martinez, la putain du bateau
(ces Anglais m'appellent Gigi)

You Know You Are A Spaniard When……

By
Vestano Ramirez De La Vega Gilhooley

1) You think purple is a primary color.
2) You think that having no less than 4 names is normal.
3) You think France is a playground for the Spanish and not a country.
4) You think Mr. Blackthorne smells normal.
5) You drink wine from a glass.
6) You think having a wardrobe is a necessity and where are all the closets on the ship?!
7) You can’t understand the phrase, “Where has all the rum gone?”.
8) You believe the defeat of the Spanish Armada was an elaborate hoax.
9) You became a pirate to take back the gold from the British.
10) You never expect the Spanish Inquisition!

From the Capns Woman

Tis the first newsletter for the HMS Stranglehold and what it needs is a report from the Captains woman. Most I can’t report because they are secret between the captain and I (but for a larger share of the loot I could talk). First of all, I wish to state that we have a top-notch crew on board this ship. They have been able to handle things without putting the captain under a lot of stress. We all know how he gets when he is stressed. For those who have kept him from losing the ship by bringing him home in my absence, I thank you. I know it is a mates duty to tend to her husband but there are times when a girl needs to be away.

After spending time with the illustrious Peter Pan we will be incorporating story telling into our camp. Our Cabin Girl Laura Black has graciously offered to tell stories just like the Wendy bird to the youngins who wander into our camp. She has learned these stories from reading the books she has been reading (yes, she is a child of knowledge). She hopes that the pirates from our camp will also sit and listen to the stories.

I should not have any prior off ship commitments for the next fair so I will be there to make sure there is no mischief with the captain. He may still lists to port since he does have a problem once he has had his rum. If he does we can figure something to straighten him out. For those of you concerned about my sleeping problems from the last time I camped. They have been worked out. I will be bringing myself something to drown out the horrible music if it happens and lots of warm blankets.

Moraga

From the Quartermaster

Avast ye scavernous dawgs! As the crow be flyin fer his supper, so do another year. I’d personally like to bestow an honor to the cook. Blaze, ya kept the crew happy and that be a hard task to do. Me golds worth goes to the carpenters fer the new shelter fer when we be hittin the sandy let.

I`d usually be thankin` me Bos`n about now – but I’m thinking bout sendin him to Davey Jones locker. Next time some fool hearty soul tries to send me to the stocks on a trumped up charge, I be sendin` my bos`n in me place.

But even if ye gutter monkeys think ye know what ye don`t bout spare britches and yer Jolly Roger flappin` in the breeze, I can`t fault the lot of ya.

I cannot wait to hit the shore with the likes of me crew again.

From the Capn`s Quarters

So now we see what kind `o crew I be sailin` with. Aye black hearted ilk with a touch of whipped cream on the side. The truth be told this here ship be cursed. I tell ye true, cursed as any true jack tar understands the ways of the sea. Aye and we live in a modern age where it is a proven fact of the sea that bringin` woman on board brings doom to any voyage and by the powers there be plenty `o women on board this here ship.

Ye may be askin` ``how do ye know the ship be cursed?`` It be the little things at first and I don`t mean the treasure snipes that come about after those long nights. Little things like ``move that main mast over there`` or ``I just picked up the nicest material for the sails`` or ``does this scabbard make me look fat``. Aye, and every spring they want you to move the long boats around fer spring-cleanin` and then move them back because they looked better the way they were.

Then the curse begins to spread to other areas and as sure as the sea is wet it begins to affect the crew. Soon ye may see strange things like Mr. Blackthorne takin` a bath and usin` soap. Swoggle me eyes the crew is still recoverin` from that sight, except fer Blind Pete who were facin` the wrong way, we be still wonderin` what he were laughin` at though. Or perhaps it could take the form of aft watch drivin`.

There be Vestamo Ramirez Dela Vega Del Taco Dorito Addidas Hasbro Sailor Scout Arco Gilhooley at the wheel and suddenly ye may hear Blaze shout ``SLOW DOWN Ye Be Speedin` Ye Daft Spaniard! ``

So there be no hope fer this ship. We be forever doomed to live out this curse til the end of time or until this curse be broken by the gypsy`s using enchanted rubber chickens.

Now fetch me more Rum and where did I dock the boat?

Capn Syn

WANTED: One case of fish. Will pay anything. The Douche Man. FOUND: One wandering boy shouting: "Mom for sale!" LOST: One boy, may have rope around his waist. Please return to Ship's Cook if found. FOUND: Une boite de savon lavendar avec le nom "Mr. B." FOR SALE: One case of fish. Stinks like a Dutchman. Will sell for anything. The Spaniard FOR SALE: 1 case of barely used soap. AAAAARRRRRR! Lavender be the scent it be! Parlay with Mr. "B" if Ye Scurvy Dog's have a need for this ere foul Swag!

At Ye Lusty Wench When In Port Ye Can Exchange Yer Swag Here

WANTED: A French Dictionary in case the frenchie be sayin` something behind our backs. FER SALE: Black Spots Cheep! Fool yer friends or maroon `em. Each spot be hand-drawn by left-handed one eyed pirates. WANTED: Someone to take me place on the gallows. No experience needed. Just ask fer One Drop Ned. FOUND: One dog with a set of keys in his mouth. Look to be gaol keys. Does not answer to ``com `ere mangy mutt``. NOTICE: Anyone named Smith will not be allowed to dock their boat under the dock without the proper notification. See the Port Royale harbor master.